


falling down

by kkulbear



Category: AB6IX (Band), Park Jihoon (Soloist), Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sad Ending, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-16 22:09:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21278516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kkulbear/pseuds/kkulbear
Summary: Has two cute parts but heed the warnings.





	falling down

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I have to say this; I obviously do not endorse anything in this fic, it is a work of fiction and this does not represent my personal beliefs.

The high rise apartment building only had a few twinkling lights sparkling through the widows as the cold December night winded to an end. One window, sat at the top of the building was particularly dark. A window broken out with cold air blowing in through the hole left behind. Woojin was sat on the floor near the window and burning holes into the carpet with his eyes in nothing but a black T-shirt and ripped jeans from the day before. His hair's a mess but he honestly couldn’t be bothered to give a fuck. Especially then. Woojin’s eyes wandered over to the bright yellow caution tape that adorned the jagged hole in the wall. His stomach suddenly dropped and he felt a swelling in his head that he had been holding back over the past few days.

Jihoon’s funeral had taken place earlier that day. Woojin couldn’t bring himself to even get ready for the event. It wasn’t Jihoon in the casket. Not his Jihoonie, his Jihoonie was full of life, warm, and familiar. The Jihoon in the casket was cold, pale, and motionless. It was not his Jihoonie. Woojin swallowed hard, trying to push the tears down that were threatening to spill over his eyelids. 

_ Jihoon is dead, _ he thought to himself, like he was daring tears to fall from his eyes.  _ Jihoonie fucking killed himself.  _ he chanted it over and over again to himself in his head, like he was trying to force himself to believe it. Jihoon couldn’t be fucking dead.

Woojin scooted closer to the floor-length window that Jihoon had been standing in contemplating his own demise not even seventy-two hours ago. It somehow made Woojin feel closer to Jihoon even if he wasn’t there, it made him feel warmer. Jihoon killed himself and nobody knew why. He didn’t even leave a note and for that Woojin was pissed.  _ Why the fuck didn’t he say something? If he wanted to end his life so badly why didn’t he try to talk to me? What did I do wrong?  _ __   
  


“What the fuck did I do  _ wrong? _ ” Woojin said aloud. But he knew that all the signs were there. He watched Jihoon fall apart before his own eyes and there wasn’t a single thing he could do to stop it. Jihoonie had been sad for as long as he could remember. 

He brought his knees up and hugged them to his chest, the feeling of his legs against him triggered a response and he felt a hole being ripped through his chest where Jihoon’s head had once laid. Woojin’s breath staggered as he was hit with the memory of Jihoonie’s scent right below his nose. His mind began to wander.

“Woojinie,” Jihoon had once said. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt at home anywhere.” Woojin peered down at the younger boy’s head and furrowed his brow, lightly brushing Jihoon’s arm with his gentle fingers.

“What do you mean, Jihoonie?” 

“I never felt like I belonged anywhere. Even when I  _ was _ home. I always ached to be elsewhere.” Jihoon’s voice trailed off before Woojin decided to prod him more about his observation.

“What about now?” Woojin questioned.

“Now? When I lay my head on your chest, it gives me the closest feeling I can get to being at home. It makes me happy.”

And with that, Woojin’s lips stretched over his gums into a smile, throwing his arm over Jihoon’s resting form and closing his eyes. Woojin felt that he was at home with Jihoon’s head against him too.

Woojin was brought back to the present when he heard a knock at the door of what used to be his and Jihoon’s apartment. The echo rang through Woojin’s ears.

“Woojin? Are you in there? We’re all worried about you, please come out.” Woojin recognised Minhyun’s voice muffled through the heavy steel door. Woojin’s head snapped toward the direction of the sound and he was struck instantly with annoyance.  _ How dare they try to get me to come out.  _ Woojin didn’t care that his voice was riddled with the remnants of sadness when he calls out toward the door.

“Leave me alone, Min. I want to fucking be alone.” The knocking didn’t stop, in fact it amplified.

“You missed his funeral today, Woojin. And you need to get the window fixed before you fall out of it.” The fact that Minhyun mentioned Woojin falling out of the window threw him over the edge, he snapped.

“Fuck off, Min. You’re a goddamn joke. Leave me alone, you fucking pig.” Woojin didn’t mean it but before he could catch his words, they flew out of his mouth and into Minhyun’s ears. He heard silence on the other side of the door before Minhyun spoke again.

“I was just trying to help.” he said defeatedly. Woojin heard soft footsteps padding away and before long, again, Woojin was alone among the dead. Woojin shivered as snowflakes began to fall from the sky and blow into the apartment through the shattered window making him feel colder than he already was in Jihoon’s absence. He stood up, walking promptly to the kitchen and grabbing a tall and lean bottle of vodka before stopping and catching a picture of Jihoon on the wall dead in the eyes. Jihoon was smiling. Woojin ripped the picture off of the wall and hugged it to his chest, temporarily mending the hole that had been ripped by the memory of Jihoon’s head just minutes before. Woojin settled back onto the floor clutching the picture of Jihoon and uncapping the bottle. 

The warm sting of the alcohol running down Woojin’s throat made him feel better. It made him forget about how the tears were falling down his cheeks, how his eyes were stinging, and how he was suffocating and now there’s no one who can fix him. The only person that could even begin to make this begin to be better jumped out of a fucking window. Woojin was halfway through the bottle at an alarmingly quick rate before he put it down and held his head in his free hand, the other had a death grip on the picture of Jihoonie. He squeezed it tight and heard a crack. Warmth coated his fingers. He had broken the glass and now Jihoon was all bloody. Woojin threw the picture away from himself and it slid toward the open gap in the wall. Memories once again begin to creep into Woojin’s head and he couldn’t stop the flood in his brain.

The day had been unusually warm for autumn. Woojin, Jihoon, Daniel, and Seongwoo had planned to meet outside of a music hall to see a concert. Daniel and Woojin were close friends so Daniel knew that Woojin had started to feel  _ more  _ for Jihoon than just friendship. Daniel had the idea to take them on an unofficial double date with his boyfriend. A date for them and “just friends” for Jihoon and Woojin. Jihoon had shown up early and was waiting outside with Daniel and Seongwoo for any sign of Woojin. Woojin was late. Again. Woojin didn’t mean to be late, especially for something like this that was so important. Jihoon and Woojin had become nearly inseparable but this night held the pressure of becoming so much more. And that’s what Woojin wanted.

Woojin finally made it, almost a full thirty minutes late but Jihoon was still all smiles when he saw Woojin approach them.

“I’m sorry I’m late, I got, uh, held up.” Woojin tried to explain himself but words had begun to fail him in the presence of Jihoon. He was borderline pissed that the boy had this much power over him.

“The concert has started already, I vote that we just do something else. If we go in now we’ll be in the very back of the crowd.” Seongwoo had said.

“Any ideas?” Daniel followed up with.

“We could go get food?” Jihoon suggested, the first time he had spoken since Woojin had arrived. 

“I can always go for food.”

Everyone was in agreement. They took Woojin’s car to a small restaurant just outside of town. Once they were seated and the conversation began to lull, Woojin panicked and met eyes with Daniel. Daniel saw Woojin’s pained expression and kicked him under the table, unnoticeably pointing at his own mouth.  _ TALK! _

_ _

“Uhhhhhh,” was all Woojin could get out before the waitress came to save the day and brought them their food. Woojin buried his head in his dish and stuffed his face. Why was Jihoon making him so nervous? He was annoyed. Jihoon broke from eating and the conversation with Seongwoo and Daniel about some musician and smiled eagerly at Woojin. Woojin tried to smile back but his mouth was full of food. Jihoon chuckled and ran his hand under the table, grasping Woojin’s hand in his smaller one, Woojin swallowed his food with difficulty because he hadn’t finished chewing yet. Jihoon leaned in and whispered, centimeters away from Woojin’s ear.

“Woojin-ah, you don’t have to be so nervous around me.”

Everyone was staring at Woojin and he could feel the heat rushing to his face and his breathing shortened.

“Woojin are you alright?” Woojin didn’t even know who spoke because he was distracted by Jihoon. Their eyes had locked and it was almost like a challenge to see who would break away first. 

“What are they doing?” Woojin could make out Seongwoo’s voice this time, he had began calming down and the euphoria from Jihoon’s lingering whisper started dissipating. Woojin arched an eyebrow and Jihoon smirked, running a hand through his hair. Jihoon was the first to break the eye contact. Their hands were still glued together under the table. Woojin kept mental notes of how Jihoon’s hand felt and he was pleased at how warm it was holding his perpetually cold one. Once they had paid for their meals, the four decided to go on a walk through the park down the street. Seongwoo and Daniel walked ahead whilst Jihoon and Woojin fell behind. The warm traces of Jihoon’s hand lingered on Woojin’s as he stuffed his hands in his pockets, he wished that Jihoon would lace an arm through his.   
  


Jihoon looked down at his feet as they walked down the moonlit path dotted with trees that had started to be marred with the effects of fall, and Woojin couldn’t stop looking toward Jihoon just waiting for him to speak. Woojin decided to break the silence.

“You look really handsome tonight, Jihoonie.” Woojin cringed at his own words.

“Oh-- thank you. You look really nice too.” Jihoon became noticeably flustered.

_ Really nice? All I get is a really nice?  _ Woojin tried to stop himself from making a dissatisfied face at what Jihoon had just said and looked away, taking in the view of the park and breathing in the chilly night air. Woojin started to get brave at this point and stopped walking. Jihoon stopped to look back at him. 

“What do you think of me?” Woojin nearly blurted out. He wasn’t embarrassed this time.

“How do you mean?” Jihoon’s face crumpled into a quizzical expression.

“I mean-- what do you think of when you think of me? How do you think of me?” Woojin was digging his own grave. He wasn’t making his question any clearer. Jihoon continued to stare at Woojin with a confused look. “Forget it, Jihoonie, come on.”

Woojin started walking again and slowly left Jihoon behind. Jihoon suddenly ran forward and grabbed Woojin by the arm, nearly spinning him around to face him. Before he knew what was happening, Jihoon had kissed Woojin’s cheek.

“Does that answer your question, Woojinie?” 

Woojin was in shock, what was happening?

“I-- so…”

“I like you, Woojin. I know you like me, Daniel talks a lot these days.” Woojin was dumbfounded. Woojin was excited! Woojin was confused? Most of all, Woojin was thrilled. He smiled and became brave once again and took Jihoon’s face in his hands, pulling him close and actually kissing Jihoonie, pulling at his hair from the back with a free hand and massaging his head. Jihoon pulled away and smiled, Woojin shrugged with a dumb grin on his face before turning and beginning to walk away. Woojin was good as long as he knew Jihoon liked him. This was easy, this was going to be fun.

“Where are you going?” Jihoon whined.

“They’re going to think we got lost.” Woojin’s composure had completely changed. The fact that Jihoon liked him boosted his confidence. He could work with this. Jihoon caught up and threaded his arm through Woojin’s. They walked on and the awkward silence had been replaced with a much more comfortable one.

_ BANG BANG BANG.  _ Woojin was pulled back to the present with another knock at the door.

“Min, please don’t come in.” Woojin said toward the door, his voice breaking as he spoke.

“Woojin? It’s Daniel, open up.”

Woojin rose to his feet and wiped his eyes, sniffling and stumbling over himself. He makes it to the door and after glancing at the broken window once more, he twisted the knob and pulled it open. Daniel was standing there, his hood is up on his black hoodie. Daniel was surprised at the usually composed Park Woojin’s appearance. He had dark circles, his hair was pushed back, and he was wearing the same clothes as the last time he saw him. His face was littered with traces of sadness and his eyes were glassy.

“Woojin? Are you--” Daniel got cut off as Woojin stepped toward Daniel and rested his head on his shoulder, he began sobbing and Daniel felt his hoodie growing wet. He put his arms around Woojin and pat his back, reaching to stroke his hair as a comforting gesture. It was all he could do. The younger boy was shaking in his arms. “Shhhh, Woojin-ah, it’s going to be alright.”

“No, it isn’t!” Woojin was wailing at the top of his lungs.

“Woojin, let’s go inside, there are people trying to sleep and it’s late.”

Daniel took Woojin by the shoulders and steered him inside, closing the door behind them and flipping on the lights. He took Woojin to the couch, he knows that the bedroom was still bad territory. All of Jihoon’s things were in there and he knew that it’d send Woojin off the edge.

“I’m sorry.” Woojin said after a long beat of silence.

“Are you not frozen to death?” Daniel tried to change the subject to get Woojin’s mind off of the inevitable.

“Nah, I’m warm blooded.” Woojin said through heavy lips.

“Have you been drinking?”

“Yes, I have an unquenchable thirst, Euigeonie.” He forced a smile and pushed what was supposed to be a laugh from the depths of his throat.

Daniel sighed as Woojin tilted his head back and rested it on the back of the couch. He sniffled and closed his eyes. Daniel thought he had fallen asleep until he began to speak.

“I wish I knew why he did it. If I knew why he wanted to leave me and… kill himself I’d be able to go on. I don’t think I can do this without him.”

“That’s nonsense, Woojin, you lived without him before.” Woojin laughed-- which is unsettling. It wasn’t his usual laugh or even the fake one, this was dark.

“Ever since he’s been in my life I hadn’t been able to imagine living without him. But now I am and it’s far worse than anything I could’ve ever imagined.”

“Woojin--”

“You don’t get it, Daniel. He left me and he isn’t fucking coming back. I’m never going to see Jihoon’s stupid smiling face ever again and there’s probably something I could’ve done to stop it.” Woojin was yelling at that point, tears were falling down his smooth cheeks again. “I should’ve came home earlier, I should’ve fucking been here, Daniel. I wasn’t there when he fucking needed me the most. I failed him. I fucking failed him, oh God!” Woojin slumped on the couch and Daniel was afraid to do anything. Woojin was violently crying, his body shaking with every shallow breath he drew. His breathing quickened.

“Daniel, I-I can’t b-breathe,” Woojin’s lungs were on fire and he couldn’t control himself, walls were closing in entirely too fast and his vision was shaky.

“Woojin, you’re having a panic attack. Just try to calm down.” Daniel pulled Woojin into his arms and hummed a lullaby, stroking his spine in time with the ticking of a clock that was hung on the wall across the room from them. Woojin cried in his arms and eventually started taking deep breaths and calming down, becoming exhausted. Daniel rocked him back and forth like a baby until he fell silent and his breathing became even. They stayed like that for a while until Woojin began to stir. A soft groan rumbled from his chest as he stretched and started to wake up. He clutched Daniel’s wrist and held it.

“Jihoonie…” Woojin trailed off, almost going back to sleep.

“Woojin, it’s me.” Daniel said, looking down at the boy. Woojin sat up quickly, releasing Daniel’s wrist and he snapped his head toward the window. He had it in his mind that maybe it was all a bad dream, but when he had awoken, the nightmare continued into his waking life.

Woojin looked down, disappointed and defeated. Something clicked in that moment within his head and Woojin’s expression grew grim. Daniel was nervous, he didn’t want to set Woojin off in any way, so he sat there quietly. Silence was thick in the room, and the only thing that could be heard was wind whistling into the apartment and Woojin’s quivering breath. 

“I’m sorry,” Woojin said, finally, lifting himself from the couch. “You can leave now if you want to.”

“Are you sure you’ll be alright? I can stay the night with you if you need me to. I really don’t mind.”

“Don’t worry about it. I just need to sleep.” Woojin said dully. He began ushering Daniel out the door.

“Call me in the morning when you wake up, Woojin. I mean it, don’t forget.”

“Of course, I’ll speak to you tomorrow, Daniel,” Woojin lied well. “You’ve been a great help and you’ve become so mature. Thank you for everything, Daniel. I- I love you.”

Daniel turned to look Woojin in the eyes and passing on an unspoken “I love you,” The statements that resemble closure make him realise what his plans are and he knew there was nothing he could do to stop him.  _ Woojin would never…  _ Woojin shut the door behind Daniel as soon as he was out of the apartment and locked it behind him, taking a deep breath. He knew what he was going to do and he felt a sudden rush of relief. A smile washed over his face for the first time in days. Woojin didn’t need to think about it, he just needed to be with his Jihoonie again. He kneeled at the window, picking up the broken picture of Jihoon and rubbed dried blood from the glass revealing Jihoonie’s smiling face again. Woojin chuckled in anticipation as he pressed the photo to his chest. Reaching out, he ripped down the caution tape with one swift movement and stepped forward, lingering on the edge of the window. He looked down, becoming dazed and lightheaded due to the extreme height of the tower. He took a deep breath and looked Jihoon in the eyes one last time. His heart fluttered in his chest.

Woojin blinked back tears of either immense sadness or joy, he couldn’t decide which would be a more accurate feeling.

“I love you, Jihoonie.” He said, his knuckles whiten from gripping the picture frame. Woojin leaned ahead, falling forward out of the building and immediately started falling in slow motion, the air around him was pulling him down into a cold and harsh embrace as he fell. The wind licked his face and blew his hair in different directions. The sun was beginning to rise and Woojin caught a glimpse of it as he falls, his heart was racing. He was about halfway down and picking up speed, Woojin began to regret what he has done, images started flashing before his eyes, Busan, his childhood, how did he get to this point from the child with too big of a smile to now? His parents cross his mind, what will they think when they hear the news? What about Yerim? Woojin felt a pang of guilt strike his chest as he pictured his mother crying and his father looking solemnly ahead, a hand on his wife's shoulder. There was nothing he could do to stop it now. And of course, his final imagery, Jihoon. Woojin was so close to seeing Jihoon again and this thought alone was making him forget everything. Woojin was electric. He struggled as the phrase  _ I don’t want to die  _ bounced around in his head. The pavement was getting closer and closer at an alarming rate. The words “I’m coming,” left his mouth before he felt everything at once, a sense of nostalgia filled his being with warmth. Then, with a loud crash, he felt white hot pain filling up his body that lasted for less than an instant.

And then, encased in darkness, he felt nothing at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Woojin regretted it, but he realised when it was already too late. That's devastating, huh.


End file.
